A year and a half ago, when my mother died after a long battle with cancer, I felt so many things: sad, devastated, relieved, grateful, and lost. The main feeling, after all the dust had settled, was confusion though. What happens to all that love I asked myself? Where did it go? All the unconditional love of a mother or that of a husband, a lover, or a friend. Where does it all go when that person is no longer with us? What about when you have a beautiful experience? Does it end just because you return to your normal everyday activities?
I would like to dedicate this blog to the answer of that question which came to me today in the most simple and beautiful way. I recently blogged about an experience I had on a trip and the “aliveness” that I felt there. The deep connection to a source I felt while traveling on my own through beautiful California. I said in that blog that I carry that feeling with me always because it was felt with every cell of my body and literally changed them. I felt a feeling of increased vibration. It’s now been over a month since I have returned from my trip and the weather here is starting to get cold. Winter’s chill has already arrived. That feeling, the depth and intensity, is STILL with me. I can recall it any time I choose to, but at times I’m left with a yearning to return to that feeling’s external parent. Its birthplace, which is the beautiful coastline and mountains of California. How is this detachment possible when I felt it with every fibre of my being? Would I be destined to be forever wanting of that feeling and to always seek it outside myself? I don’t want that. I want each one of my cells, which now vibrate with that frequency, to emit it and sing it’s song everyday!
Today a beautiful awareness came to me. It’s not a new concept for me but it gave me a profound “AH HA” moment nonetheless. It occurred to me that if we create our own reality, which we do, then I created that experience. I create the love I feel coming from others too. If we are one, and every person, place and thing is just a mirror reflection then you can never be separate from any beautiful experience or any one’s love. Even if they are no longer with you because it all comes from YOU! What a liberating revelation! I don’t have to seek anything outside of myself to make me happy or give me love. It’s all there in me. What I realized is, although the physical form may be missing, the feeling remains. You carry this feeling with you and can call it up and make it a part of your present reality anytime you like. Eventually, what you want will actually integrate and align with that feeling you have created in your present circumstances and manifest in your external “reality”. My goal is to practice this everyday. I’ll keep you posted on how I do. 🙂
Of course, when you’re grieving or experiencing a loss it can be difficult to keep this in mind. Don’t worry, we are human and so it’s important to go through the stages of grief and really FEEL your emotions so that they don’t become suppressed and cause disease in the body. Think of how comforting this realization can be to you. Once you know there is no separation and no need to be attached to anything outside of yourself. You will be able to love more freely and have an open experience of your world rather than the closed protective one that we often walk around with.
The illusion of loss is that we never really go anywhere. It’s all just energy shifting and rolling around, and changing form every second. The grief comes in when we feel separate from things instead of forever joined as one. If you find yourself grieving a loss of any kind you need to close your eyes and FEEL the person, place or thing. Remember the feeling that it gave you, hang on to that. This feeling is in every cell of you and IS you. You are never separate from anything. It is all you!
I feel my mother’s love as deeply now perhaps even more so than when she was alive and well. I also feel the deep openness and interconnectedness that I experienced on my recent trip just as intensely as I did when I was there. What I know for sure is that my mother has never left me. That feeling of being loved comes from a deeper part of me that she reflected back to me. It is much like the moon reflects the suns light. It will never leave me. Just like my California connection, that feeling, has infiltrated every cell and changed me in so many beautiful ways. That too was a reflection of sorts. I created that too and because I created the experience it means it is in me and I cannot disconnect from it. Even though geographically, or on the physical plane, I appear to be separate. It also means that if I can create or experience that feeling “there”; I can create it anywhere!