On Friday of this week I had the pleasure of meeting an old friend from Toronto here in Mexico. It’s funny because we have know each other for nearly 13 years and rarely get the chance to connect in Toronto. Now, of all places, we are here together in Mexico. He is just across the ocean in Cozumel and myself in Playa del Carmen.
We had a great night together; eating, drinking, talking and most importantly laughing our butts off! He came just in the nick of time too! I had spent most of the day alone, which is usually not a problem, but on this particular day it was quite difficult. I was flooded with loneliness and memories and this lead to feeling victimized by it. I was so grateful to have a wonderful friend I could cry with and laugh my head off with at the same time. We went out that night and spent a wonderful few hours together and even went for a moonlit swim in the ocean, which was something I had always wanted to do but never did. The moon was big in the sky and the stars were out. It was wonderful!
In our time together that night we were able to share what was going on in our lives in a very real and raw way that I feel we had never had the chance to do before. It’s funny how time passes and friendships remain but these moments of true connection can be sometimes far and few between. It was a really special night, and he reminded me in a beautiful way of how much love I have around me and how to appreciate myself. It was so nice to feel the love coming from him and it helped me heal in ways that I don’t yet know how to express to him. I was so thankful that he had been there for me particularly on that day and in my life in general. He was truly a God send and I will cherish that night with him for always!
The next morning, I bid him farewell and I was off to my very early two hour yoga class, meditation and chanting. I was attending this studio for the first time but I wasn’t nervous at all. In fact I was excited and felt better than ever about myself and my journey. That is what the true love of a friend can do for you; it can shine a light on all the places you thought were dark and remind you of who you are. As I set off on my yoga adventure I encountered an extremely friendly cabby named Oravio who offered to take me there. I had so much fun in the cab ride over to the studio practising my Spanish with him and his Italian with me. He asked me if I knew Al Capone since my parents were from Sicily and all. We had a good chuckle the whole way there. I didn’t want to leave him because his energy was so warm and cheerful, so I invited him in to yoga with me. He laughed and mumbled something in Spanish that ended with a loud OMMMMM. It was very cute and I took that as a no.
Two hours of vinyasa flow and meditation later I was a sobbing puddle of a mess on the floor. I don’t think anyone has ever drowned in savasana before but I was about to set a record. The tears were flowing so freely I could barely contain myself. What were all these people going to think of the gringa in the back of the room in a snotty mess? As I lay there sobbing I felt I was releasing months and years of garbage, grief, disappointments and loss. The awareness that came to me was a solidification of what my friend had been trying to get me to see the night before, it just came energetically. It was an integration of what I already knew mentally and was now receiving viscerally. I don’t need anything or anyone outside of me to FILL me up! I’m already FULL! Wow, what a concept but one that we must all get. The question is how? Well, having that awareness at that level of intensity is a start and I trust that the rest will follow.
Growing up as a “good girl” like most women do and becoming a bit of a people-pleaser had always left me wanting more. Most women suffer from this good girl complex which leaves them thinking about everyone else except for themselves. Despite all the “work” I thought I had done I had only just recently realized how I was still acting in a people pleasing manner. Especially in romantic relationships. It always became about the other person, or the relationship itself, but what about me? Where had I gone in all of that? This trip has been and will continue to be about the return to myself. The return to a deep sense of well being and oneness within myself. I need no other and nothing outside of me to fulfil me. As I lay there in my self-created puddle of release I knew that I would have work ahead of me connecting to this inner peace and stillness. The good news was that at least I had a start. I had surrendered and wiped the slate clean and I was ready for my fresh start!
Watch out world…here I come!