Yes you read that title correct! Not the year I dated a god, but the year I decided that I would reconnect to my Source and myself. The year I realized that I was, as the song says, looking for love in all the wrong places…
It was March and I had been living in Australia since the previous August. Summer was winding down and the air was crisp and the leaves were already starting their autumn technicolour show. A few months early I had come face to face with the darkest night of the soul I had ever encountered in my life to date. I didn’t know if I would survive, in fact, I prayed that I didn’t. Being beat up by love with a small ‘L’ had become my thing. My hopeless romantic nature had indeed become hopeless and even desperate. It wasn’t until I reached rock bottom and had a coach I was working with point out my pattern, that I would really truly own what I had created in my life.
Confession:
I was using men, romance and relationships to validate my worth, my value and to get approval… my entire life!
If you haven’t seen my 3rd place winning speech on the topic, check it out here.
The kicker was, that like most addictions, I wasn’t conscious of what I was doing. I had no idea that I was trying to numb out my own pain of feeling unlovable my whole life. After the dark clouds parted I decided that I would need to start a new relationship. One with myself and my Source. I thought that I was spiritual my whole life but it dawned on me that I had no relationship with this so-called Spirit at the root of my spirituality. Instead like most people I treated God like Santa Clause, approaching with a list of wants and desires but never really starting a conversation, so I decided I would.
Like any relationship you need to date in the beginning, you know to get to know each other. See if you’re compatible. See if your values, desire and goals match. You need to ask yourself the important questions like, could I see myself spending the rest of my life with this person? Are they a good listener? Do they love and respect me? Etc.
I made a resolution that I would detox from all romantic notions, gestures, movies, songs even and dive into my divine work. I wanted to know this entity that was at the base of my beliefs, presumably for years, but in name only. My journey led me to, or rather back to, A Course in Miracles. I dove into the workbook lessons, I listened to podcast after podcast and I took long walks contemplating the material, using it to change my mind, rather allow it to heal my mind for me.
What I Discovered
What I discovered happened one day meditating on bench early in the morning. There were always people out walking the boardwalk at the beach down the street from my apartment but this morning was particularly quiet. After have done my usual walk and round trip the sailing school and back a particular bench further into the tree line called my name. I decided it would be a great place to sit and mediate, and so I did. I don’t know how much time passed, how long into the meditation I was, but at one point I found myself without time. I didn’t have the concept of sitting on the bench anymore. I was there, but not there at the same time. In that moment, in my mind’s eye and image appeared in front of me, a man, he placed his hands in my hands which were palm up on my knees. I felt a warmth wash over me, I felt the presence of God there with me.
For a moment I questioned whether it was the influence of my Catholic upbringing or the fact that I was reading the Course, which uses a lot of Christian terminology despite not being Christian in religious nature at all. The thought was swept away as soon as it came up, it didn’t matter who or what this was, it simply mattered that for the first time I felt, saw and sensed a presence and received a direct message that I was on the right path. I knew in that moment that I would forever know this presence and know that it walks with me, and at the same time the the actual person I had been dating this whole time, was me. I am God, just as you are and we all are. I knew in this moment that there is not and cannot be a separation in me.
Although the image appeared as male, perhaps exactly the divine masculine presence I needed in that moment, it isn’t gender related. The months I had spent in pain had led me to many more months of devotion, and the exciting part was that I was only a few months into dating God and myself. As the months turned into a year plus I had many more experiences of learn to trust and have faith in this guidance that not only walked with me, but was in me – there is no separation despite what our fears would have us believe.
I’m excited to share the full story and journey with you all in my upcoming book, Lovesick: Confessions of a Love Junkie – coming soon!