The Male Lead
Relationships Insights for Women from Dancing
Recently I decided to take up some activities that will both keep me fit and be fun and meet more people here in my new home. One of these activities are dance lessons, Tango & Salsa to be specific. These lessons however have another purpose. I chose my dance lessons specifically to have an activity that allows me to be in my feminine energy more. What do I mean by being more in my feminine energy? In this case it’s allowing myself to surrender to fun, playfulness, movement and BEing in the moment, in the fluidity and nature of my spirit, and “being held” by a masculine energy in that process as the counter balance.
In this case when I speak about “being held” what I’m referring to is the masculine energy taking the lead both in dance and at times in your relationship. Ouch! This might sting for some of you ladies, but stay with me here. This is not about man vs. women, this is about the energetic interplay and dynamics of partnerships and within yourself. I recently spoke to a woman who went on a date with a man who had no idea of where they were going, made her drive and then asked her for money on the date. Now this is an accomplished business woman with a lot to offer, how could she attract this? In a most recent survey of my clients what I found was that the three most wonderful words that a woman can hear and desires to hear from a man are: “I got this”. As strong as we are we don’t want to have to be strong all the time and especially not in our personal relationships where we want the man to be our “rock”.
The challenge is women have not been taught to inhabit the space within ourselves as women to attract a man that is capable of not only saying the words but in being in action around this. I believe that it is an essential craving for many women to be confident and powerful in their feminine; in their lives, businesses AND in their relationships. We have learned instead to mimic male power in our very male run world causing a whole host of relationship conflict and problems and polarity reversals (role reversals). We think that in order to keep up in business for example we need to “play with the big boys” but we’re missing our truest and most powerful place of power – our feminine power.
We want to be and feel strong and independent within ourselves and in our own lives but we also have the need to have a man take over and step up in certain areas at times. We need someone who can weather the storms of our intensity because he’s that solid point, our “safe harbor”. The problem arises however when we don’t allow a man to do this or we don’t inhabit that space within ourselves as women to attract a man like this; with what I call the overdeveloped “Miss Independent Syndrome”. The very “I don’t need a man to be happy, fulfilled, complete, you name it” attitude is what keeps us from the very thing that we most desire. A happy, fulfilled, strong relationship.
The Dance Metaphor: See if this rings any bells with you and what you may desire from a masculine man.
In my second ever Salsa lesson this weekend I noticed a profound shift, which I think is due to all the work I’ve done and applicable to this very conundrum. I was lucky enough to be paired with a really great partner, an already established Salsa dancer which was great. Although I had a LONG history of not being able to dance with a partner (horrible past attempts), I found it easier than ever to just relax and allow him to lead me. Even when I began to panic and lose my way, he was the rock that didn’t get affected and didn’t falter, and always brought me back into step. Amazing!! I was able to trust him, not because he said I could but because he showed me I could. I was able to have a great time and DANCE because he showed me he knew what he was doing – “I got this.” Each time I “lost my way” he was able to keep his step and wait for me to find mine, patiently and with strength. A revelation!!
Why is this so profound? Because as a woman who has taken the “I don’t need a man to…” attitude many times in my past (circa 1998-2011), I found myself always dissatisfied with my relationships. I was unable to notice how this thought or idea was a complete disservice to myself, and where I was attracting the very thing that I was trying to guard against. In the past I called in men who were on either end of a dysfunctional spectrum, from emotionally immature and too “feminine” to “manly” men who were controlling and back again. How did I “cope”? After a while I entered into relationships where I completely lost myself and my sense of empowerment, giving it all away because I didn’t know how to do both or be both. After a while I got dizzy! Was there no middle-ground pray tell?! Why couldn’t I get this “dance” right? Because I was disconnected from the very seat of my authenticity as a woman and my feminine power and essence and I had no idea. Date after date, relationship after relationship, failure after failure, I had no idea.
My very need to feel in control of myself, my life, my business and my finances was not allowing me to drop into my authentic feminine power long enough and stay and visit for a while. Incidentally this energy I speak of is the seat of creativity and abundance, all of which I was trying to force from the outside. Instead I adopted the “power model” that I was shown in society and in my own upbringing – doing, achieving, going, pushing, worrying, planning etc. This type of energy may be great to get the deal done in the boardroom or the email marketing campaign or product launch done, but it’s exhausting to live in all of the time and is a disservice to yourself.
The feminine energy of allowing, BEing, presence, receiving, abundance and strength come from a different place in us and in our bodies. Our true feminine power is where we can really flourish in life and love. Of course you will not always be in one or the other, it’s a question of balance. We need to learn as woman to dance between our own masculine and feminine energies (we all have both regardless of gender or sexual orientation). We need to learn when we are required to be in our masculine and when are we required to be in our feminine.
The polarities of energy in relationships need to be complimentary. If you’re living in your masculine you will attract a partner that is more in their feminine or one who has wounding in this area (more on this in another blog). If you desire a strong man you may eventually get exhausted, bored or turned off dealing with his inconsistencies and moods, or your stronger masculine side may leave him feeling emasculated further exacerbating his wounded masculine and round and round we go. Of course you can do this work together to strengthen your connection and bond but using your “singledom” to learn this on your own is very beneficial.
In conclusion, your inner masculine/feminine and his need to move in harmony. The dance should be fluid and moving, he steps you step, you flail and he holds strong and vice versa, individual movements and strengths that ultimate blend together in the most beautiful expression of life. For more information on how you can access this feminine strength or balance your own masculine and feminine energy and create a relationship that is as successful as you contact me for a private 1hr consultation.