I have a CONFESSION to make? Ready?
Love used to terrify me!
Yup, you heard me! That thing that we all want (or think we want), and crave, actually used to scare the you know what outta me. I didn’t know this of course, but everything around me and in my life experience was actually revealing this truth to me. All I could see from the outside was that I kept meeting and attracting all the wrong men into my life.
I would experience rejection and abandonment time after time… even during my long term “committed” relationships. So why was the very thing that I wanted to badly, which was to be emotionally supported loved, understood and seen escaping me constantly? Because there were deeply entrenched wounds and dark places that were running the show in the background and I didn’t even know it. Because of my past experiences with love, subconsciously to me, love equalled pain. So what did I do? I attracted all these painful experiences to show me just how right I was. I was living my life on this painful autopilot creating and attracting one drama after another and I didn’t even realize I WAS THE ONE DOING IT!
The day I hit rock bottom was the day I realized something had to change. A day I’ll never forget; I remember I was alone in my room, far away from family, friends or anything familiar. A deeply intense, but short lived love affair had just ended in the most horrible of ways and I had run away to heal. I woke up early that morning, 4:30am from a dream and I immediately began to cry and cry… and cry.
I feel into the deepest and most scariest places of despair I had ever been to. I thought I would never stop crying. In that moment the weight and grief and sorrow of a lifetime of pain came crashing down on me. All the demons rose up to claim their dark place in my heart. It was like being caught in an undertow with nothing solid to grab on to, all I could do was hug and rock myself. In that state, I thought to myself, so this is what it’s like to die from a broken heart. I thought about my lifeless body being carried away, not because I had harmed myself, but because my heart would just stop beating.
But it didn’t…
The next day, after having spent an entire day inside grieving, I emerged. Like a butterfly coming out of it’s primordial ooze, I felt alive again. After that moment I vowed to find my own happiness in life. I vowed that I would never again place anyone in charge of my happily ever after and my fulfillment in life. I decided to start digging deep and start “dating myself”.
What I found in some of those dark unmentionable places was pretty tough to look at, and many things were pretty tough to admit and acknowledge as well. The worst part was seeing how all this had been created in my life. Not intentionally of course, but how my very foundation had been set up for all these “failures” in life and love. How all my life experiences that remained unprocessed and unacknowledged were literally setting up the blueprint of how I would experience love and my life in general going forward.
Wow! What a revelation this was… because now I had the key to unlocking and changing everything. All I had to do was transform this foundation, my Life & Love Blueprint™ so to speak… and so I did!
Am I still afraid of love? Well, sometimes… you see, love – true love, will bring up everything that is unlike it so that it can be healed and you can always return back to love. So sometimes the old fears come to visit, but they don’t stay long at all. The trick is that now I know that I run the blueprint, it doesn’t run me… and so I always return to love!
I’m blessed now to have a loving, evolved King of a man in my life who I’m happy to say is helping me uncover more love and beauty everyday. Is the Love Blueprint™ totally healed? Heck no!! It’s a work in progress ladies. But take it from me. You can only attract that beautiful love when you can learn to love beautifully. <3
Curious to find out more about your Love Blueprint™?
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– Get Insights into Your Love Blueprint™ – How is it running your life and romances – Your secret love language and how to use it – An mini action plan with your first step toward your Delicious Life